Can't Lose What I Never Had
by Mongoose Bites Yer Arse
Summary: Challenge ficcy from Karr. Poor Torn's got flu...and guess which blond haired babe has to look after him. JakxTorn fluff. R&R!


© Lexiter Jackson 2004

Can't Lose What I Never Had 

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Okay. I'm annoyed. You'll remember I gave Karr 'Scarface' a challenge fic? Well, now he's given me one. AAAAAAH!!!

_Ahem. Anyway, these are the rules:_

_It's gotta be a Jak/Torn shounen-ai (nicked that off me...) _

_It has to have a lot of dialogue (impossibility)_

_It has to have the Westlife song 'Can't Lose What You Never Had' in it_

It has to have angst in it, but only very slight 

_It HAS to be fluffy (Me? Fluffy? Say it isn't so!!)****_

_Torn has to be the one that is helped by Jak_

_I think that's all of them... Oh yeah. It's got to be from Torn's POV. Sounds easy, huh? Yeah. Right. *twitch* Easy. Hah._

_Get on and read the fic while I go and hunt Karr down...*twitchtwitch*_

_- - - - - - - - _

_~baby you're so beautiful_

_and when I'm near you_

_I can't breathe~_

It really wasn't fair. _He'd_ drag himself into a bunk at the end of a long day of dodging Krimzon Guards and beating Metal Heads, and his fingers would itch to massage the aches and pains from _his_ young shoulders. But instead, his long, slightly calloused fingers would tap on the table in mock irritation. If he showed anything else, even for a couple of seconds, then everything would crumble, and he was on shaky ground as it was.

'Hey, tattooed wonder.'

And then there was _that_. 

'What is it, Daxter?' His voice was rough from countless orders bellowed across parade grounds. The mere word _Daxter_ was ground up then spat out like a bit of burnt meat.

'We're gonna sleep now.'

'Whatever.' There it was again – feigned indifference. Who the hell knew that whenever _he_ came close, everything stopped – his heart, his thoughts, even breathing. Because he _was_ breath-takingly...beautiful.

_~a guy like you _

_gets who he wants_

_when he wants it~_

A hand ran over tired eyes that burned in the lamplight over the table, but he _had _to do _something_. If he didn't, then he'd start thinking again. Scowling, he tried to concentrate on the map spread out in front of him.

But he couldn't concentrate. He was too tired. He found his eyes wandering to the sleeping figure in one of the bunks, a hand resting lightly on a chest that gently moved with each breath. Ungloved hands gently twitched as the guy actually slept peacefully for once.

He shook his head, tearing his eyes away from the other man. The guy waded through blood every day, had whole crowds of girls that he could pick and chose from. He was so cold that everything seemed to bounce off him, but occasionally, when the guy thought he was alone, then quiet, exhausted sobbing would be heard. Not exhausted in the physical sense; but the sobbing of a lonely, frightened child that had been crying for a long time, and will continue to cry. At those times he just wanted to pull the teen into his arms and hold him until all his tears stopped.

But he couldn't. He was untouchable; emotionless. As the second in command of the city's only hope, he had to be above emotions.

Even if sometimes it hurt so much that he wanted to curl up and die.

_~you're so out_

_of my league_

_I show you no emotion~_

Sighing in exasperation, he spread a hand out on the table and ran the other through red and brown dreadlocks. He wouldn't get anything done tonight, that was for sure. Grunting, he picked up a piece of paper anyway and focused on it, trying to make sense of the gibberish on it. His tired mind struggled for a couple of minutes, and then he gave up, leaning his head on the table. _I ain't gonna get nothing done at this rate...get outta my head!_ He didn't know why he still beat himself over the head with this annoying little emotion that had managed to worm its way into his heart the first time he'd laid eyes on the boy, but he did. And by Mar the guy was _gorgeous_. He shook his head. _No way will I ever be good enough for that. If he even swings that way._

_~don't you see_

_what you're doin' to me_

_imagine the two of us together_

_but I been livin'_

_in reality~_

He must have fallen asleep, because the next thing he knew, he was being shaken lightly by the one he'd been angsting over.

'Torn? Are you okay?'

He straightened slowly, realising too late that falling alseep hunched over hurt like a bastard when you woke up. Then he stiffened – the other was gently kneading his shoulders. Slowly, gently, he relaxed.

'You were crying.' The silence was broken by _his_ voice, and he closed his eyes at the syllables before picking out their meaning. _Power of a few words..._

_Huh? _He ran a hand across his eyes and found that they were indeed damp. 'What time is it?' Even his voice sounded harsh compared to the other's. That was true all around, though – _he _was all smooth curves and grace that was in-built, whereas he...he was an ex-Krimzon Guard that had known nothing but violence, and that created harsh edges and sharp lines as a self-defence mechanism. It didn't pay to let others get so close that they can hurt you.

So why had he let _him_ get so close?

'About one in the morning.'

There it was again. 'That early, huh.' He could drown in the feel of the other's hands on his shoulders. Everything ached, and his throat burned. His skin felt stretched and hot, and a dull ache at the back of his head promised to get worse.

A light chuckle. 'You need to sleep more, Torn.'

'I'll sleep...'

'When the city's safe, I know.' Another chuckle. 'But you aren't going to be much use if you can't function.'

'Whatever, punk.' He yawned, and blinked tiredly. Then he stood up, but as soon as he was upright he nearly collapsed as a wave of dizzyness swept over him. A strong pair of arms stopped him, however.

'And now you've got flu.' The deep blue eyes, deep like the ocean and twice as dangerous, were laughing at him he knew. 'Dumbass.'

'Whatever.' He growled as the other helped him to a bunk. 'I'll be up tomorrow.'

'Yeah right.'

_~fear of rejection_

_kept my love inside_

_but time is running out...~_

_Three days later..._

'I need to do my job.'

'So do I. You're not getting up.'

'But you need to go out and...do whatever it is you do.'

'It can wait. You're not getting up.'

'Why you?'

'Because I'm the only one that doesn't take any shit from you. Now, lie back down, Torn, or I'm going to get Daxter.'

He was right, he knew. So he did as he was told and lay back down on the covers, scowling at the other as he shivered. The other guy had stuck with him almost constantly over the last three days, even if he was just exchanging casual insults with him. Occasionally he caught an expression that he'd never seen on _his_ face. Almost concern, not quite hope, nearly pleading, he wouldn't be able to place a name to it if his life depended on it. But it seemed like _he _was going above the normal care-for-your-sick-boss routine. It was almost...

Nah. Didn't bear thinking about. If he did, it would only get his hopes up, and he'd had them thrown on the rocks so often before that he no longer cared to even try.

But...this once...the guy could die tomorrow...

_~...so damn my_

_foolish pride~_

But of course he wouldn't say anything. Keep up the mask of indifference and irritation, even as _he _folded the blankets a little closer, even as a fingertip brushed his bare torso. Even though it _hurt_, it hurt like no wound he'd ever received, because unlike physical wounds, this one would never heal.

'Torn? Are you okay?'

He hadn't realised that he'd turned away from him, hadn't noticed that his eyes were squeezed shut and his hand was clenched. Slowly, gently, he pushed the tension out.

'I'm fine.' He lied, not meeting the other's eyes. 'Jus' feel crap.'

The look the other gave him told him that _he_ knew that he was lying. 'Yeah, okay. Now tell me what's wrong.'

'Nothin'.' He glared at the other until he looked away. _I'm sorry..._

The other stood up with a sigh, smoothing down the blankets. 'Just remember, Torn, I'm always here. Talk to me at some point.'

'Since when were you friendly?' The jibe was out before he even thought about it, and he winced. The other saw it.

'Since I got a kick up the ass.' With that, the teen wandered to the showers, and he watched him go with fingers that itched to run through shoulder-length green and yellow hair. With a sigh, he returned to staring at the bunk above him.

Maybe he should talk.

_~I don't care if you think I'm crazy_

_doesn't matter if it turns out bad_

_'coz I've got no fear of losin' you_

_you can't lose what you never had~_

Singing drifted down into the main room, and he smiled slightly, humming along to the well-known tune. _He _had a nice voice, when he allowed people to hear it.

He sighed, then sneezed.

'Damn shit ow...'

His head felt like it had just been split apart as another wave of dizzyness swept over him, leaving him with the feeling of not quite being down to earth, like the time when he'd sat in on one of the Shadow's "meetings" and the man had been smoking something in his pipe that made him feel very tired but very awake at the same time.

'Oh fuck it...'

It might have been the flu, but he was very fed up of hiding. He was tired of playing the role he didn't want – that of the emotionless bastard. He couldn't, after all, lose what he never had.

The other came back in at that point, his hair wet and dripping over his bare torso as he bought in his tunic and placed it over a chair. He still wore his trousers, however. 

He swallowed, and finally tore his eyes away from the other guy.

'Hey Torn. Feeling better?'

'Dunno.' He croaked. 'Throat still hurts.'

'Not bloody surprised.' 

_Here goes nothin'..._ 'Jak?'

'Yeah?' 

'C'mere.'

_~rules are made for breakin'_

_nothin' ventured, nothin' gained_

_I'll be no worse off_

_then I am right now_

_and I might never get the chance again~_

And so he told him. 

He could always blame it on the flu later, after all.

'I got a confession to make.' He decided that was as good a place to start, but then he hit a roadblock.

'"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned" type confession?' Jak grinned slightly.

'Well, now you mention it...I've been havin' impure thoughts.'

'Oh?' An eyebrow went up. 'Tell me so that I may pray for your soul, my son.'

He tried not to laugh. 'Someone who is the same sex, too.'

'Ooh, ooh, let me guess.' Jak grinned malicously. 'Daxter?'

He raised an eyebrow. 'Do you want my answer to that?'

'Ah – no, that's alright.' Jak smiled slightly. 'Um...Erol?'

'Nope.'

'Kor.'

'Yech. Old man. No.'

'Uh...Vin?'

'Mmm. Ex-Krimzon Guard with a short fuse and insane paranoid engineer. Great match. Try again.'

'Short fuse is right.'

'I have not got that short a fuse.'

'Have too.'

'Have not.'

'Have too.'

'I HAVE NOT GOT A SHORT FUSE!!!'

There was a moment of silence. Then – 

'See? Told ya.'

'Asswipe.'

'Bastard.'

'Brat.'

'Old man.'

'Punk.'

The name calling went on for a little while, and he was happy with that. It delayed the inevitable.

'So...what did you want to tell me, then?' Jak grinned as he sputtered to a stop halfway through an insult.

_~tried to fight it but it cannot be denied_

_told my heart I didn't want you but I lied..._

_now I'm gonna confess that I love you_

_I been keepin' it inside_

_feelin' I could die_

_now if you turn away then that's okay_

_at least we'll have a moment before_

_you say goodbye...~_

He let himself look Jak over, as if fixing his features into his mind in case Jak walked out. Then he tried to swallow past the nervous lump that had formed in his throat before gently reaching up and laying one hot hand on Jak's cheek. Slowly he bought his head down, and placed a chaste kiss on Jak's lips.

_~here on the outside lookin' in_

_don't wanna stay dreamin' bout_

_what could have been~_

At least, it was chaste until Jak ran his tongue along his lower lip. He gladly opened up for him, and sank into the kiss he'd been dreaming about ever since Jak had waltzed into his life.

Eventually, though, the kiss had to be broken, if only for air, and he suddenly found that Jak was straddling his hips.

'And you didn't tell me sooner because...'

'I kinda like bein' babied.'

'Lazy sod.'

'Yeah.'

'Sexy asshole.'

'That too.'

'Hey! You're meant to insult me, not agree with me!' Jak pouted.

'Shame.' He retorted. 

'Yeah, well, I kinda decided that I feel the same way.' A slight blush graced Jak's features, and he grinned.

'So that's why you've been hangin' around me.'

'Duh.'

'Don't 'duh' me.'

'Screw you.'

'Yes please.'

'What, now?'

'Think of a better time?'

'What if Dax walks in?'

'Then he walks in.'

'Fair enough.'

_~I need to hear you speak my name_

_even if you shoot me down in flames..._

_I can't lose what I never had...~_

_~*owari*~_

_Well. Ner. Hope that went alright..._

_I'm gonna go torture Karr now. See ya guys in the review page!!_

_~Lj~_


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